Insomnia

Im trying to study but images of you are all over the walls, your name on my paper, and voice in my head. 

Good things never happen past 2am

Urge

I want to talk to you. but I can’t everyone says I’m wrong. I’m trying not to. I just want to tell you anything and share everything

That moment.

It will always be imprinted and ingrained in my memory.

“If you don’t leave, I’ll never let go”

…I can’t believe I walked away…

end of a chapter

Seems ever since i left you my life has been a downward spiral. Doing bad in school and getting arrested. I havent been doing anything right. I told myself i would never go back to jail but there i was with only you on my mind. When i finally got the courage to talk to you, you werent there. The person who ive leaned on is gone. I deserve that. I feel as if my armor and shield has been stripped. But i dont blame her. I was shocked of whst she said. I was hoping for the comfort and support i was always used to but nothing was there. Just a get well soon kind of message. I ruined this, us, all of it. No one to blamd but myself.
I havent really done anything with the hopes maybe our fates will intertwine again. But maybe this is a clear sign to move on.
I hope she at least knows i’ll always be here for her. Always and forever. Ive never stopped being her bestfriend. I got you. Trust.

questions

Why do i miss u so much and keep thinking about us. Everything still lingers. Im supposed to have moved right?!? Then why am i not…? You were every4hing to me and still are. I still love you with all me.

Doing Better.

Our time together is still tattooed on my mind but i have to be honest. I’m starting to talk to other people and you know what, this is a good thing. Helps me get my mind off of things. but I dont want anything from them. Im just looking for someone to talk to. There’s times when i just stare at my faovite contacts list and want to text you. But all my friends and family it’s unfair the way im treating her. Giving her hope. But it gives me hope also. I do want her in my life. I want her to be my future. I am selfish for wanting her to wait but i can’t help it. She’s just so perfect for me. She’s my bestie my everything. sighh. times like these i wish i had her to talk to but i let that boat sail. sigh. 

I really wish my future has her in store, im so fuckin selfish, but i gotta do right by her.

It’s still hard.

I can’t shake the image of us. Her touch. Her Kiss… those lips. Wrapping my arms around your hips. I miss those pecks on my cheeks. Of course her texts. I know I’ll always see her name and sweet message. 

Every night I kiss our son to sleep and tell him I love hi,. I swear he asks what about. What about mommy? Yes, Panda, I love her too. Always will.

How can it be with time things arent getting better. I just think about her even more now. sigh.

These times

When I feel the lowest when I feel the weakest when I have no where to turn I always have you and right now I need you. I want you to tell me everything will be better then seal it with a kiss. I miss your touch and your soft words. I can’t go to you now. It’s unfair to you for me to treat you like we’re okay like we’re bestfriends and nothing has changed. You were my world and I walked out of it. Everything has changed yet I havent moved on. I’m doing thing for myself and making my own decisions and having free time but I miss that security she gave I miss that trust we had. I can’t move just yet. I’m not sure why I havent even tried to move on… I want her back but I can’t just ask her for another chance. I dug my own grave. I hate seeing her with another guy but i’ll have to get used to it. With Valentines coming up i’m sure someone is going to share that special day with her while i study. You fucked up curtis. You lost something that meant everything. good fuckin job.

And there she was…

When I needed someone the most when she was there. my bestie, my butta, my everything. I miss her and I love her. she calms me down and soothes my soul just hearing her voice. I was pissed sad and frustrated. she was  there  to  console me as she always does. i wanted her back so badly. but how would i look? to break her heart and ask her back out… she probably already moved on. sighhh… thought about her all new year. so many things about her in my room and in my mind. my mom and dad dont make it any easier. mom still calls her daughter in law and dad keeps telling me shes the one. and i know she is. god i love her. i hope my dreams do come true and we end up together again somehow. i just cant stand to hurt her again until i know for sure i never will. ever again. i thought i wouldbe but i already did. let my love for her find it’s place in her heart again. maybe just maybe if she hasnt moved on and is still in love with me; our paths will cross again.

Super Bowl Sunday!

My favorite day! there are days where I’m happy and over it but there’s days like today. This shirt, this blanket, the memories. 

I remember when we went to Lori’s dinner to see the 49ers trash the bucs a year ago. Always liked sharing my football knowledge with her and telling her the difference between niner nation(unfaithfful fans) and 49ers Faithful(of course faithful fans) or getting slightly jealous when she calls 49er players “baby” haha!

I guess new traditions need to be created for people to move on. I hope she enjoys her super bowl sunday ill try my best to.

Thank you

Thank you for being there for me when I felt like I had no one. Thank you for being strong enough for both of us. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for all the love that we made and all the times that we shared.

Thank you for letting me go. Thank you for making realize how bad that choice was.